Scary Movie V

After a long and complicated intimate encounter, Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan (playing themselves) are attacked by an evil spirit or ghost.  Charlie is killed and his three children disappear.  Months later, they are found in a cabin in the woods by Snoop Dogg and Mac Miller (playing themselves).  The children are put in the care of Dan and Jody Sanders (Simon Rex and Ashley Tisdale), a young married couple.  A stipulation for the couple being given custody of the children is they must move their newly expanded family into a house that is wired with several video cameras, allowing the doctors who treated the children to keep an eye on them.  Jody doesn’t want to be a mother since she must give up her place in a punk rock band.  Dan suggests Jody try out for a role in the local community ballet troupe’s production of Swan Lake since she used to be a ballerina.  He also thinks it might be a way for Jody to connect with the children.  Jody auditions and gets the part, beating out experienced dancer Kendra Brooks (Erica Ash).  Despite their competitiveness, Jody and Kendra become friends.  Jody needs all the friends she can get as things are getting crazy at the house.  The children talk about the person who cared for them in the cabin although no one was seen by their rescuers.  The children call her mama and tell Jody and Dan that mama doesn’t like them.  Strange noises, flashing lights and objects moving by themselves are making their lives unbearable.  Adding to the stress is their housekeeper Maria (Lidia Porto) who is trying all kinds of religious rituals to rid the house of whatever is causing the problem.  Along with everything going on at the house, Dan is struggling at his animal research job trying to develop a serum to increase the intelligence of chimpanzees.  

 
“Scary Movie V” is a prime example of trying a little bit of everything and hoping some of it would work as a comedic spoof of horror, suspense and sci-fi movies.  It completely fails.  Aside from a couple of small laughs in the film’s 85 minute run time, “Scary Movie V” is devoid of the kind of juvenile but still smart and pointed humor that made the first film in the series a huge hit.  Nothing about this effort works at all.  The primary cast is very unappealing.  The story is so disjointed and sloppily assembled it is actually painful to watch.  The attempts to skewer films such as “Paranormal Activity,” “Cabin in the Woods,” “Mama” and “Evil Dead” fall woefully short and even manage to make the lesser quality targets of their efforts at satire look far better than they actually are.  As an example, there is a long scene that uses the automatic pool vacuum that plays a part in the first “Paranormal Activity” movie.  The device exits the pool and opens a gate to allow other pool vacuums into the back yard where they have a drunken party that includes drugs and sex.  Then several upright vacuum cleaners that appear to have female mannequins attached to them come to the party and add to the small appliance debauchery.  Does this sound funny to you?  It wasn’t funny to watch either.
 
The efforts at humor in the film mostly involve people getting hit in the head by various objects.  If they aren’t being hit in the head, the victim is being hit in the crotch.  Other attempts to make the audience laugh involve sexual references.  Apparently, the target audience for “Scary Movie V” consists of Three Stooges fans and third grade boys.  I appreciate the Three Stooges and, while it was a long time ago, I was a third grade boy once.  While I have moved forward in my maturity and tastes, the “Scary Movie” franchise has gone backwards.  Each film after the first two seems to be more and more juvenile.  If the trend continues, and they make more films in the series, pretty soon the humor will be aimed at infants.  And they won’t find it funny either.
 
“Scary Movie V” is rated R for language, crude and sexual content, comic violence and gore, partial nudity and some drug material.  Calling it “comic” violence is a stretch, but there are several fist fights including adults punching kids, humans punching chimpanzees, ghosts punching the living and so on.  The gore comes largely from a scene lampooning “Evil Dead” where people are shown cutting off their own arms and legs.  The drug material comes from the previously mentioned pool party and also a comically giant joint shown early in the film.  Two women are shown in a shower together largely covered with soap bubbles but some nudity is apparent.  There’s also a lesbian scene that is mostly suggestive and played for laughs.  Foul language is common.
 
If I had paid for my ticket to “Scary Movie V” I probably would have asked for my money back which is something I’ve never done before.  The film is horribly unfunny and just a massive mess.  I’m begging the people in charge of green-lighting a possible sixth film to please, just say no.  It’s time for the “Scary Movie” series to die and go away.
 
“Scary Movie V” gets one guitar…just barely.
 
A giant science fiction flick along with two small relationship dramas are your choices this week in the movie poll where you decide what film I review next.
 
Ginger and Rosa—Two teenage girls in London in the 1960’s try to grow up too fast as parents marriages collapse and the Cold War threatens nuclear annihilation.
 
Oblivion—It’s the future and humanity has fought and won a war with aliens but the planet is nearly uninhabitable.  Jack Harper (Tom Cruise) keeps a few automated systems running but will soon be allowed to live in an orbiting utopia with the rest of Earth’s survivors; however, a discovery calls into question everything he’s ever believed in and been told by his superiors.
 
The Place Beyond the Pines—A motorcycle daredevil, his former girlfriend and a rookie cop live very different lives that will soon intersect in unpredictable ways.  Ryan Gosling, Eva Mendes and Bradley Cooper star.
 
Stan’s Choice—Stan sees and reviews any film of his choice currently playing in theatres or On Demand.
 
Release dates are subject to change and not all films may be shown in Knoxville, TN.
 
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